


Steamed Hams, but it's a Steven Universe Fanfiction

by Paraportobello



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), The Simpsons
Genre: Gen, Memes, Steamed Hams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 00:54:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13915911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paraportobello/pseuds/Paraportobello
Summary: No one asked for it, but boy, will they receive it. Principal Sandoval decides to have lunch with Connie.





	Steamed Hams, but it's a Steven Universe Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

> Principal Sandoval is a character from the Steven Universe comics. This is just a meme, and has no connection to the Beach City Youth AU.

With a disinterested scowl, Principle Sandoval raises her hand to ring the doorbell. Soon after, the door is opened and she is greeted by a nervous smile from Connie.

 

"Well, Connie, I made it- despite your directions." She spoke.

 

"Ah, Principal Sandoval! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!" said Connie, her hands behind her back.

 

Sandoval simply responded with a "Meh..." as she strolled into the house and sat at the dining room table. The bottle of ginger ale she brought made several clinking sounds as she slid it into the ice bucket on the table. Sandoval took her seat at the table while Connie entered the kitchen to check on her roast. A gasp escaped Connie's mouth as she rushed towards a smoking oven. Black smoke and the smell of regret creeps out as she opens the oven door.

 

"Oh, egads! My roast is ruined!" Connie cried out, placing a hand on her head in disbelief. She then strolls over to the kitchen window, and the gears in her head start turning. "But what if..." She looks out into the street to see Lion, sleeping peacefully with a Wiener-in-Hand wrapper resting on his snout. Connie continues with, "I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" Connie laughs and says, "Delightfully devilish, Connie!"

 

Connie's apron comes off with ease, and she places it on the stove. Hastily, she opens the window and prepares to climb out, when suddenly Sandoval enters the kitchen.

 

Shocked, Sandoval lets out a brief "Ah-" before stopping herself, and giving Connie a look of stern skepticism.

 

[Song and Montage ensues]

_Connie_ _, with her crazy explanations!_

_Principal Sandoval's_ _gonna need her medications!_

_When she hears Connie's lame exaggerations, there'll be trouble in town tonight!_

[Song and Montage ends]

 

"CONNIE **!** " Sandoval yells, holding it out dramatically.

 

A look of surprise takes over Connie's face as her head turns to look at Sandoval.

 

"Principal, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise! Care to join me?" Connie explained, performing several stretches to sway Sandoval's trust.

 

Sandoval puts her hands on her hips. "Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Connie?"

 

"Uh... Oh! That isn't smoke!" Connie replied. "It's steam. Steam from the steamed pork chops we're having!" Connie then rubbed her hand in a clockwork motion over her tummy and said, "Mmm, Steamed pork chops!"

 

With a shrug, Sandoval turns and exits the kitchen.

 

"Whew!" Connie sighed. 

 

With haste, Connie hops out the window and mounts Lion, who roars, opening a portal that takes her to the Wiener-in-Hand hot dog stand in Beach City.

 

* * *

 

 

Moments had passed, leaving Sandoval to fidget with her napkin at the table. But suddenly, Connie barges into the dining room with a huge tray that was mounted to the brim with hotdogs from Wiener-in-Hand, and fries from Beach Citywalk Fries.

 

"Principal Sandoval, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering steamed dogs!" Connie said, placing the tray on the table and taking her seat.

 

"I thought we were having steamed pork chops." Sandoval responded, squinting at Connie.

 

"D'oh, no! I said steamed dogs! That's what I call hotdogs!" said Connie.

 

Sandoval countered with, "You call hotdogs steamed dogs?"

 

"Yes. It's a regional dialect." Connie answered. 

 

"Uh-huh," Sandoval said, still unconvinced. "Uh, what region?"

 

"Uh... Upstate Empire." Connie replied. 

 

"Really?" Sandoval asked. "Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed dogs'."

 

"Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression." Connie stated in a matter of fact tone.

 

"I see," Sandoval conceded. "You know, these hotdogs are quite similar to the ones they have at the Wiener-in-Hand in Beach City."

 

With a forced laugh, Connie said "Oh, no! Patented Maheswaran dogs! Old family recipe!"

 

"For steamed dogs." Sandoval stated.

 

"Yes." said Connie.

 

"Yes, and you call them steamed dogs, despite the fact that they are obviously grilled." Sandoval follows up, peeling back the bun to show grill marks on the hotdog she was holding.

 

Connie struggled to conceive an excuse for this. "Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- Excuse me for one second." she replied, as she got up out of her seat.

 

"Of course." Said Sandoval, who continued to eat her hotdogs. 

 

Connie rushed into the kitchen, then returned seconds later pretending to yawn, flames and smoke visible through the doorway.

 

"Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped." said Connie.

 

Sandoval got out of her seat and said, "Yes. I should be-" she stopped and pointed towards the kitchen door. "Good Lord, what is happening in there!?"

 

"Aurora Borealis." Connie answered with a blank stare.

 

"A- AURORA BOREALIS!? AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN!?" Sandoval asked with a shout.

 

"Yes." said Connie.

 

"May I see it?" Sandoval asked.

 

Connie pursed her lip and pondered the question, then answered with "No."

 

Connie and Sandoval exit the house, which is starting to catch on fire.

 

"Connie! The house is on fire!" Doug yelled from an upstairs window.

 

"No, dad. It's just the northern lights." Connie shouted back.

 

"Well, Connie, you are an odd fellow... but I must say, you steam a good dog." Sandoval said.

 

Flames engulfed the house as Principal Sandoval walked away. Doug's cries for help caused her to turn back around at Connie, who gave Sandoval a thumbs up. Connie's gesture assured Sandoval, who continued walking away.


End file.
